- an excerpt from my daily horoscope, 03.11.09
such wise words. today i was tempted to call out sick from work and have a pity party in bed. i'm glad i didn't, because i randomly won a free coffee from starbucks this morning. also, i would have felt bad for going back on the plans i made to go to the fidm alumni thing this evening. so i rolled myself out of bed, which took a little while. and i went about my normal routine, trying to ignore the fact that my eyes were practically swollen shut from crying so much last night. it made it hard to put mascara on, i must admit.
you and i talked last night about how much our lives have changed lately; how even though we're in the same place that we were a few years ago, we are completely different people now. it's hard to find yourself back in a place that seems so familiar, yet so distant, because we're not who we were when we were last here. it's like everything and everyone around you is the same, and you're the only one who's done any growing, any learning, or any searching.
today i realized that in the end, all you have is yourself. you're born into this word alone, and you leave this world alone too. you just have to hope that you make a big enough impact on people, and are open enough to let others make an impact on you. i have always thought of having friends as like being in mini-relationships; you work at them and put effort into them, just as you would a relationship with a significant other. it's a give and take, and just like i hate being in a relationship in which i'm doing all the work, i feel the same way about my relationships with my girlfriends. it's been hard for me to come to terms with the fact that not everyone is going to think the same way that i do about this. we all do things differently, and many times our other responsibilities or priorities get in the way. but time is precious, and i just think that no matter what might be capturing my heart, or taking over my soul at any given time in my life, i am nothing without my friends and family. and even when a guy comes along and commands a huge chunk of my time, i will never fully abandon the people that stood by me during my highest highs and lowest lows. it's just not who i am.
i think it's finally time for me to work on cutting through all the bullshit and the trivialities of my life and finding what's real, and what's pure. all the sadness and crying is not me; it's some weird, pathetic shell of a person that kinda resembles me but doesn't have any of the same personality traits that i do. she bugs me.
just know that i miss you so, so much, and i think about you all the time. i know we'll both make it through these crazy months in our "old" lives. you as roberta, tough and straightforward, and me as teeny, insecure and fragile and pudding-filled balloons in my bra.
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